It's curious when you know, or at least you think so, from the meticulous, well hidden, careful observation of her every action and expression plus years of experience traded by unanswered passion, that you're without hope and yet you don't have the urge to put a bullet through the brain or, less destructively, to send the door flying down that corridor with the sole of your shoe powered by the great roar emitting from deep down the guts. But you do are dying to scream down the street on your motorcycle jumping up and down because of flying past every undulations on the road or to get drunk or something, something that you normally don’t do.
Is it a kind of relief? Knowing that you can be spared the pain of this bloody farce of guessing and not-eating-nor-doing-anything once more so that your life can get back on to the right track, the good old times? Or is it that you're too disappointed that your mind respond the other way around as a defense mechanism so that your folks won't be seen on TV lying on the floor and you that will not bring disgrace to the family that has been so decent and respectable and all that? Jeez, now why the fuck my msn messenger's keep disconnecting! Can't you just give me some fucking peace of mind!! Anyway, like I was saying, it's curious. While at the same time you're still devicing ways and means of getting you two closer, still think that there will be some arrow shooting out from nowhere and then she will see you.
You've been thinking about pulling her to the side and tell her right in the face, to ruin everything in exchange for that short moment of thrill and the inevitable sorrow that will follow. And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor/Shall be lifted-nevermore! However, you just can't do it because everytime you're sitting next to her (well, not right next, but in the same place) you feel good, you can feel the smile on your face, the damn twitch of muscle that is impossible to suppress, the good mood that was nowhere to be found and her voice, a look of the eyes and every movement enchants you and the last thing you want her to go through is sadness. So you renounce your prior thoughts and bear it upon yourself.
Is it a kind of relief? Knowing that you can be spared the pain of this bloody farce of guessing and not-eating-nor-doing-anything once more so that your life can get back on to the right track, the good old times? Or is it that you're too disappointed that your mind respond the other way around as a defense mechanism so that your folks won't be seen on TV lying on the floor and you that will not bring disgrace to the family that has been so decent and respectable and all that? Jeez, now why the fuck my msn messenger's keep disconnecting! Can't you just give me some fucking peace of mind!! Anyway, like I was saying, it's curious. While at the same time you're still devicing ways and means of getting you two closer, still think that there will be some arrow shooting out from nowhere and then she will see you.
You've been thinking about pulling her to the side and tell her right in the face, to ruin everything in exchange for that short moment of thrill and the inevitable sorrow that will follow. And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor/Shall be lifted-nevermore! However, you just can't do it because everytime you're sitting next to her (well, not right next, but in the same place) you feel good, you can feel the smile on your face, the damn twitch of muscle that is impossible to suppress, the good mood that was nowhere to be found and her voice, a look of the eyes and every movement enchants you and the last thing you want her to go through is sadness. So you renounce your prior thoughts and bear it upon yourself.
2 comments:
You profound, complex, rhetoric, interesting young man!
Your dad told me not to change when we went to pick him up the last night I was in town remember that?
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