It's clear now, I know why I felt that way, why I didn't want it, it was simply because I didn't really fall for her. Thinking about it now I feel relaxed that I told her to think it over seriously before doing anything serious, perhaps I was saying that to myself. Doesn't matter, I'm grateful now that I did was cautious this time.
But just like any novels or movies, there're always more hideous monsters to slay and bloody puzzles to solve, just like the Ouroboros that keeps generating itself indefinitely, I'm faced with a new situation that puts me again at the end of my wits. It's one of the things that I've always feared the most.
For years I've been trying to convince myself that Señorita was not for me and that I didn't feel a thing towards her because she was too attractive to me. So I deliberately kept a distance between us thinking that this way I would be able to erase my feelings towards her. Days grew up into weeks and then months and finally escalated into years and still when I'm by her side I have that urge to cup her cheeks between my palms and savour every bit of her lips, I have to force myself to think of something else lest I should do something stupid. But recently, my reign over my feelings is crumbling and I don't have faith in what I've been preaching to myself anymore. A revolution has begun. I think it's about time that I be true to my feelings instead of the feelings that my plans for the future allowed. I would not be the man I want to be if I only listen to the logical, I would be horrible if I should ignore what my heart tells me, I would be lost. I'm more and more inclined to believe that my plans will find their places by themselves and that I should put down this mask that I've been wearing for years, that I'm already lost in my quest for the awakening of the self and it took me 5 years to figure out the simple truth that what I've always wanted has been right there next to me all this time.
Then, with it comes another problem, that I would fail again. Ah! Bloody hell! The thing is we're close, well you would probably think otherwise, but in my standard it is anyway, and it's impossible to tell if she's just being a good buddy or something more. And I would really hate myself if I should lose her company and her smile. And I fear that it would be the same once more. Maybe I should just go away again for a while, but I've already been away for years and it haunts me still.
But just like any novels or movies, there're always more hideous monsters to slay and bloody puzzles to solve, just like the Ouroboros that keeps generating itself indefinitely, I'm faced with a new situation that puts me again at the end of my wits. It's one of the things that I've always feared the most.
For years I've been trying to convince myself that Señorita was not for me and that I didn't feel a thing towards her because she was too attractive to me. So I deliberately kept a distance between us thinking that this way I would be able to erase my feelings towards her. Days grew up into weeks and then months and finally escalated into years and still when I'm by her side I have that urge to cup her cheeks between my palms and savour every bit of her lips, I have to force myself to think of something else lest I should do something stupid. But recently, my reign over my feelings is crumbling and I don't have faith in what I've been preaching to myself anymore. A revolution has begun. I think it's about time that I be true to my feelings instead of the feelings that my plans for the future allowed. I would not be the man I want to be if I only listen to the logical, I would be horrible if I should ignore what my heart tells me, I would be lost. I'm more and more inclined to believe that my plans will find their places by themselves and that I should put down this mask that I've been wearing for years, that I'm already lost in my quest for the awakening of the self and it took me 5 years to figure out the simple truth that what I've always wanted has been right there next to me all this time.
Then, with it comes another problem, that I would fail again. Ah! Bloody hell! The thing is we're close, well you would probably think otherwise, but in my standard it is anyway, and it's impossible to tell if she's just being a good buddy or something more. And I would really hate myself if I should lose her company and her smile. And I fear that it would be the same once more. Maybe I should just go away again for a while, but I've already been away for years and it haunts me still.
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