12 January 2006

Where the Heart Is

I shouldn't be blogging now, should be reading essays on Sophocles and Greek philosophy instead. It's due in 5 days and am having an extraordinary amount of stress and I'm moving this Friday which makes my head hurts even more, great timing huh. Just went home from the dinner with the head of the department and was just checking out some friends' blogs to chill a bit and Ting says about the story of Claire Brownsworth, a 21 year old aussie girl, and her courageous life of following her dreams despite all the bankrupts and mishaps and shits that would normally put one off.

Actually, I wasn't intended to read the whole post because it's packed with a shit load of words and the sight of that big chunk repulsed me somewhat, I was just trying to find some mindless crap to paralyze my brain for a while, so I decided that I was just going to browse through the whole thing real fast, but when I read about how she was like, how she loved the wild and how she stayed true to herself. Upon getting her degree on physiotherapy, she decided to go to some remote clinic in Mt Isa in the outback rather than staying in the city and fighting for a well-paid position in the best hospitals because of reality bites. Anyway, it's a long story, but the thing is, quoting Ting, that she was still trying to find the meaning to her life, the place for her and the only thing she knew was that she didn't want to go back to the comfort of home.

Ah fuck, I want to buy that book. I've got a long list of books for the 5 week long winter break, Sophie's World, El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Nada, all the plays of Sophocles, books I bought last year in OZ, books for my thesis... Jesus. Fuck, think it must be the stress.

I'm dreaming of living like that all the time, trying to see where my life takes me, especially more so when all I see around me are putrid waters, can't live like that, refuse to live like that. I have everything, computer, flat, cds, vehicle, whatever, but I'm not having a good time. Don't get me wrong, I do love my books, reading them brings me great pleasure, I love to ponder over philosophies, I love the metaphors in Borges, García Márquez and tons of other writers, and I love writing but I do also love to leave this place and not return for a long time to come.

Someone asked me what I wanted to do in life and I replied, just being a wise man. But it's not a job so my other ideas are teaching in the uni or writing or maybe both of them. The thing about uni and writing is that you're still learning intellectually (of course, this also varies from person to person) and I don't want to have a fixed job which works hand in hand with the Medusa-TV sets that would suck my brain dry, turn me into a statue and be filled with all that modern consumption crap and its byproducts. To achieve this requires more studies and above all, in the scenario of teaching in the uni, a PhD degree. But that's ok, I like studying anyway, plus I'm studying something that interests me greatly and I think it's important stuff.

But the thing is, my yearning to live the way she does means I can't follow the current plan. But I don't think that I can live like that my whole life either, won't be satisfied, need to learn, read and write. Think that's why I'm planning a big trip after the army and before I continue my future studies. Well, think I'd better run now, it's already past one o'clock, I'd better go read something before I go to sleep.

3 comments:

Yokhim said...

hey! happy new year! yeah, guess I just can't stop writing, I'll probably go crazy if I don't.

don't think I understand this, but what is the update you are referring to?

Anonymous said...

hey schu. forgive me for being so quiet lately... haven't had the time, OR the energy, really... I'll get back to you asap.

take care,
christina

Yokhim said...

that's alright, take care of yourself.