The remembrance of Nuria and the Spanish department transported you back to that place and time, and at that place you would remember - with fond memories - Nicaragua. So, while you're still in Nicaragua, you experienced a sensation of being at the same moment in two places separated in both space and time. This mixture of times confused you for a moment, therefore you were somewhat at a loss, and for a fraction of a second you actually thought you were back there thinking about where you are at right now. But, of course, that only lasted for a fraction of a second. What dawned on you was that you will inevitably miss this place, hence you were happy to be here.
18 January 2009
11 January 2009
Murmurs
The skeletons of two adults and two children lie curled-up, perhaps to save space. Alongside them are pots: gifts placed in the grave to use in the afterlife.
I wondered what were their stories and what will be mine.
07 January 2009
The Analysis
While you were not saying a word or looking at her, you were trying to figure out why you acted in such a way that would accomplish nothing but your own suffering. It's all tangled up and you're too lost in your contradictory desires.
Everything was still quite okay until she turned, headed back to the gate and begged them to take her along. That decisive moment cast a shadow upon your impression of her. Hence the analysis began and you were searching frantically for pieces here and there, doing your best to put the fragments together to form a better picture. However, your, shall we say, doubt, began much earlier. That doubt brought back some bad memories, memories of your being used simply because you were of value at that time, and then discarded away when that usefulness was gone. And so when you saw her asking them, the rich guys, to take her along you instinctively associated the two things together. Comparing to them, you were of no exploitation values, which made her not giving a shit about you at that moment perfectly understandable. She didn't fancy you nor like you in anyway at all, you were merely a thing to entertain her.
You felt that she wasn't as innocent as you'd thought, she was so much more complicated than that first impression of yours, and you felt that she was rather smart, social-wisely, and that you were just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen. The temporary conclusion echos the first judgement which conjured the unpleasant past, and so this reasoning is doubly fortified, and thus your love transformed into hate.
But, alas, the tragedy lies in that you are already in love with her and at this stage the reason has little power here to set your mind straight, to get you out of this fucking mess. The analysis neither offers any comfort to the burning soul. Therefore, in a perplexed state, as a desperate and last measure to save yourself from falling any deeper than you already were, you chose to ignore her. However, here resides the contradiction, for you were also using this strategy to protest against her, to call upon her attention to your feelings, you were doing this because you knew no other ways of expressing your sentiments. You wanted to see her reaction to your attitude, so that you can guess whether you matter or not. You wanted, at the same time, to save and to torture yourself; you wanted her to know, yet you dread to let her know; love and hate just got mixed up once again, and so you are witnessing the latest reincarnation in the perpetual circle of disappointment and frustration.
Everything was still quite okay until she turned, headed back to the gate and begged them to take her along. That decisive moment cast a shadow upon your impression of her. Hence the analysis began and you were searching frantically for pieces here and there, doing your best to put the fragments together to form a better picture. However, your, shall we say, doubt, began much earlier. That doubt brought back some bad memories, memories of your being used simply because you were of value at that time, and then discarded away when that usefulness was gone. And so when you saw her asking them, the rich guys, to take her along you instinctively associated the two things together. Comparing to them, you were of no exploitation values, which made her not giving a shit about you at that moment perfectly understandable. She didn't fancy you nor like you in anyway at all, you were merely a thing to entertain her.
You felt that she wasn't as innocent as you'd thought, she was so much more complicated than that first impression of yours, and you felt that she was rather smart, social-wisely, and that you were just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen. The temporary conclusion echos the first judgement which conjured the unpleasant past, and so this reasoning is doubly fortified, and thus your love transformed into hate.
But, alas, the tragedy lies in that you are already in love with her and at this stage the reason has little power here to set your mind straight, to get you out of this fucking mess. The analysis neither offers any comfort to the burning soul. Therefore, in a perplexed state, as a desperate and last measure to save yourself from falling any deeper than you already were, you chose to ignore her. However, here resides the contradiction, for you were also using this strategy to protest against her, to call upon her attention to your feelings, you were doing this because you knew no other ways of expressing your sentiments. You wanted to see her reaction to your attitude, so that you can guess whether you matter or not. You wanted, at the same time, to save and to torture yourself; you wanted her to know, yet you dread to let her know; love and hate just got mixed up once again, and so you are witnessing the latest reincarnation in the perpetual circle of disappointment and frustration.
03 January 2009
Fix You... 12 Months Later
You knew instinctively the moment you saw her that this was the beginning of yet another tough period of suffering, and you couldn't be any more unerring than that. Despite the premonition, you are willing to fall head over heels for her, so who is it to blame, eh? Now she's there dancing with him and you're sitting here pitying yourself thinking oh it's happening all over again and having no way of expressing your frustration but writing it on your blog. Super.
But it's too late, you're already in deep water and can't pull yourself out of it. Therefore what we are witnessing here now is the classical case of love turning into hate, and the more you loved, the more you will inevitably hate. At this stage of the process, you don't really care if hate does turn into suffering, it's a force that you can't fight against because deep inside you want to hate, it's also a way of demonstrating your love for her.
But it's too late, you're already in deep water and can't pull yourself out of it. Therefore what we are witnessing here now is the classical case of love turning into hate, and the more you loved, the more you will inevitably hate. At this stage of the process, you don't really care if hate does turn into suffering, it's a force that you can't fight against because deep inside you want to hate, it's also a way of demonstrating your love for her.
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