24 December 2006

Subject: First Reminder for Luis Sotto's Birthday on Saturday December 30th

I was completely taken by surprise when I saw the title in my inbox. Says on the page that appeared, after I clicked on the link: "Schuma - Which card will put the biggest smile on Luis's face?" "None of them, because he's dead." Or, more precisely, he's been dead for almost half an year.


These days I've found myself following closely to the ongoing Ipswich murder case and checking the BBC site at every given moment for the latest news and the identities of the last 2 victims. Sincere and strangely, I was hoping that Paula Clennell wasn't one of them. When the police identified her as the fifth girl dead, I found myself letting out a great sigh, staring expressionlessly at the monitor, same reaction when Dennis Rodman made that goddamn 3-pointer againt the Jazz in the finals. Disbelief and a sense of total powerlessness. Well, this reaction was probably shared by many because we have seen the anguished look on her dad's face and in his words and we're all imagining what kind of torment he is going through right now. We suppose than we feel it, supposedly. Masking and fabricating ones feelings.

Depressing news are always in stock, unrest in Somalia, in Iraq, in Gaza, murders, suicides, and what eles? umm, let me see... poverty, diseases, nuts, whatever the fuck, etc. etc. Eveytime, in the face of such news, one just can't help wondering, for what?

Why all these sufferings? These happinesses? Why all these feelings at all? If one should vanish into nothing in the end then, what's the point? Gary Tarn, the pom director I met in the documentary festival, said that the meaning of life is life itself. But I just can't help wondering what if life itself is nothing, then what's it all about? If life is nothing then the lives of our children are also nothing, and the same applies to all life forms on earth because when they reach the end of their life spans they all turn into nothing, then it's just an endless and meaningless continuance of nothingnesses which amounts to, naturally, nothing in the end (where is the end?). Nothing at all. A thriving planet, full of lives would be nothing but empty words. Philosophy, knowledge, education, love, a better future, all cease to have any significances for if life is nothing, all is nothing. It's all in vain, and a better future, for what? For nothing.

Someone said nothing will come out of nothing, it's quite true, but it's rhetoric in essence so it could also be false, depending on the context. It's just too buggering all these nothingnesses and it makes life unnecessarily harder because living without knowing for what, without knowing the Answer is no comfort at all.

14 December 2006

Withering Flower

The freshness of blogs got worn out sooner than expected, but that's probably not such a bad thing considering how busy I'm right now. I've deleted almost all my blog bookmarks, except those that belong to my friends, you know, spying on them and such. There was a minor resurrecction these couple of weeks, but now it's all quite again. I don't know, it could be that because I'm busy so I can't spend the usual amount of time reading blogs, but that's self-deceiving really because I also spend an aweful lot of time on news and Solitaire.

Hahn said she had already given up on blogging for it had become too mainstreamish. I guess that was probably one of the reasons why I stopped my blog-reading activity, too mainstreamish, too full of shit. However, being mainstreamish doesn't necessarily make it crappy. Probably it was all that plug-ins, musics and clips and stuff like that, too dazzling for me, like an exquisite yet empty firework, a lack of creativity. Perhaps it was because there simply is too much information out there and my brain suffered from blackouts from time to time. Or maybe I was tired of this futile attempt to find some communication.