映在牆上的影子

新北投捷運車廂緩緩地駛向月台，透過貼著點狀圖形的窗戶及車門，我依稀可以辨識出門後站著的人影以及類似木製洗澡桶的圓形狀裝置。列車雖然只有幾節，但這真是一列裡外色彩豐富的車廂。那圓形狀玩意兒結果是個螢幕，我想大概是在介紹新北投的景點，而且可能也因為這緣故所以列車開的特別慢，讓我們可以慢慢欣賞兩邊的老舊公寓以及它們的舊日容光。

約莫兩個小時之後，我再次等車進站，午後原本冷清的月台現在擠滿了下班族和討人厭的國高中生以及他們有關手機的討論。拯救我逃離煉獄的特快車不疾不徐地在鐵道上拖行。於車門開啟的同時，返家心切的人潮好比如獅子看到獵物搬飛撲上去。一直困惑我的是，為什麼人們不等車廂裡的人先出來然後再進去呢？這疑問已在我心中駐足了快十年。某次在電梯裡一位中年男子因為湧進的浪潮太過洶湧，導致他勇敢踏出的右腳在有機會落地之前就被擠的潰不成軍，最後只好發出無奈的怒吼：「讓我先出去！」

我坐定位之後發現對面原本應該是椅子和窗戶的地方現在有一面大約56吋的液晶螢幕，而窗戶則被畫有圖案的牆面所取代，要凸顯的重點顯然是液晶螢幕裡氣定神閒地在寺廟拜拜、拍照和逛新北投的妙齡少女。在這「新北投-北投」一站的距離裡，影片總共撥了兩次，這顯然是要讓旅客有機會可以好好地欣賞並記下少女所拜訪的優聖美地。而我也的確為這設計所動容，在離螢幕約兩公尺的距離裡彩色牆面佔據了雙眼的視線範圍，帶觀眾進入另一個空間，成功地把地獄來的國高中生們打入邊緣的角色。

我回神過來，猛然發現我在移動的車廂裡盯著一個螢幕看。我頭左右轉，迅速地巡視一下四周，發現除了我之外沒有人在注意影片中精彩的劇情，每個人都低頭在看手機。我忽然有一種感覺 - 一種活生生的感覺 - 如果牆面瞬間崩解、消失，然後我發現我站在蕭瑟的海灘上跟外星人握手，我大概也不會覺得太訝異。

Prosper Mérimée, 1845

Desire is a capricious thing, it plays with the reality, then it fucks you. This is a dual layer problem. You see on the tele the glamorous side of the life that is in the well-to-do Spain, and you imagine how good it would be living like that there with a nice, beautiful sheila. Then you proceed with seeing yourself there. Shortly after that, you actually believe that you're there, and so you're filled with a sensation of euphoria.

But of course, you are well aware that it's thousands of miles away. And the thing is you are happy about where you're at. You found yourself falling in love with this country full of chaos, misery, poverty and state corruption, yet populated by lovable people. O lovable, yes, you met her, and the scouts report that she's without commitment of any kind. Judging from her attitudes and the way she acts you can sense a trace of happiness. You are exhilarated.

Then desire makes its way into your thoughts, bringing along indecision. Experience teaches you that patience is a virtue, yet it also tells you that you are old enough to get serious about it before it's too late. This battle between fantasy and reality takes place every time you are close to felicity, and the result of the conflict is always you licking your wounds by yourself. This time around, however, you've decided to let fantasy controls you no more and set foot on solid ground.

Overlaption

The remembrance of Nuria and the Spanish department transported you back to that place and time, and at that place you would remember - with fond memories - Nicaragua. So, while you're still in Nicaragua, you experienced a sensation of being at the same moment in two places separated in both space and time. This mixture of times confused you for a moment, therefore you were somewhat at a loss, and for a fraction of a second you actually thought you were back there thinking about where you are at right now. But, of course, that only lasted for a fraction of a second. What dawned on you was that you will inevitably miss this place, hence you were happy to be here.

Paul Newman (January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008)

All I know about Paul Newman is that he was a famous actor, so while I was reading the news and staring at the picture of him holding some trophy or something I experienced a surreal sensation going over me, it was the same sensation I felt while reading Nuria's email.

She said that the other day in the office someone brought up my name all of a sudden, so everyone started to discuss about my life in the army and imagining how I would look like with a butch haircut, then little by little the discussion died down to daily shores, and the subject was forgotten.

Vivaldi - Nisi Dominus, RV608 VII

09:50 23.09.2008

The world was set with a retro-futuristic style... We were a merrily newly-wed couple... One day she was violated... I sought revenge on the perpetrator... I failed in my vendetta... He escaped... He returned with more sinister intentions and minions.. Our lives acquired a fugitive tone...

It was blurring enough trying to remember it in the morning, let alone at 0855 of the next day while listening to a lecture. The thing about being in the army boot camp is the great deprivation of physical freedom - not being able to freely move around, not being able to move without getting an order. Every movement is conditioned, turn left, turn right, sit down, stand at attention, stand at ease, look straight ahead, eat, applause, jump, run, stop, drink, stand up, sleep, wake up, sing, gather, refill your water bottle, pee and shit, clean your plate, move forward, salute, go down stairs, change clothing and wipe the sweat off your forehead.

The picture of how openly and wholeheartedly you would greet and embrace your family and friends surface to your mind's eye and you take great pleasure in envisioning these images. You also think and dream(literally) about the sheilas. On the bus into the camp you looked out of the window thinking not about the days ahead, but about Evl, you knew why you thought about her at this particular moment, but that was a secret that you could never reveal to her - for maintaining your friendship's sake. The picture of her happily holding her niece by the beach turned you oblivious to the changes to the scenery and the dynamics on board the bus. You see her face, you hear her voice, you think about her life without you, and you sense two roads that will not cross path.

The other night you dreamt about CM leaning joyously in your arms. You were in an elevator that was going up. The setting was also retro-futuristic, just like Lang's Metropolis. Interesting.

The recurring images of them made the idle moments not only easier, but also blissful despite sorrowful at time. They offer a means of detachment and bring up genuine smiles upon your face. What's so curious about this fact is that the deprivation of physical freedom somehow brings about temporary freedom of imagination.

What We See and What We Seem is But a Dream - A Dream Within a Dream