映在牆上的影子

新北投捷運車廂緩緩地駛向月台，透過貼著點狀圖形的窗戶及車門，我依稀可以辨識出門後站著的人影以及類似木製洗澡桶的圓形狀裝置。列車雖然只有幾節，但這真是一列裡外色彩豐富的車廂。那圓形狀玩意兒結果是個螢幕，我想大概是在介紹新北投的景點，而且可能也因為這緣故所以列車開的特別慢，讓我們可以慢慢欣賞兩邊的老舊公寓以及它們的舊日容光。

約莫兩個小時之後，我再次等車進站，午後原本冷清的月台現在擠滿了下班族和討人厭的國高中生以及他們有關手機的討論。拯救我逃離煉獄的特快車不疾不徐地在鐵道上拖行。於車門開啟的同時，返家心切的人潮好比如獅子看到獵物搬飛撲上去。一直困惑我的是，為什麼人們不等車廂裡的人先出來然後再進去呢？這疑問已在我心中駐足了快十年。某次在電梯裡一位中年男子因為湧進的浪潮太過洶湧，導致他勇敢踏出的右腳在有機會落地之前就被擠的潰不成軍，最後只好發出無奈的怒吼：「讓我先出去！」

我坐定位之後發現對面原本應該是椅子和窗戶的地方現在有一面大約56吋的液晶螢幕，而窗戶則被畫有圖案的牆面所取代，要凸顯的重點顯然是液晶螢幕裡氣定神閒地在寺廟拜拜、拍照和逛新北投的妙齡少女。在這「新北投-北投」一站的距離裡，影片總共撥了兩次，這顯然是要讓旅客有機會可以好好地欣賞並記下少女所拜訪的優聖美地。而我也的確為這設計所動容，在離螢幕約兩公尺的距離裡彩色牆面佔據了雙眼的視線範圍，帶觀眾進入另一個空間，成功地把地獄來的國高中生們打入邊緣的角色。

我回神過來，猛然發現我在移動的車廂裡盯著一個螢幕看。我頭左右轉，迅速地巡視一下四周，發現除了我之外沒有人在注意影片中精彩的劇情，每個人都低頭在看手機。我忽然有一種感覺 - 一種活生生的感覺 - 如果牆面瞬間崩解、消失，然後我發現我站在蕭瑟的海灘上跟外星人握手，我大概也不會覺得太訝異。

Consistency

I saw the ceiling darkened by the advance of the hours and, when the irises got used to the gloom, the faint glow printed on it by the streetlamp through the drawn curtains. It's as if I've been staring at ceilings my whole life while thinking about nothing in particular. Most often I found my thoughts drifting from one trail to the other, then on to something else, and later it would find its way back to the starting point. This process would go on like automation till thoughts gave way to slumber.

As I lay there on the bed in my friends' house I had a sudden feeling that my life reflects my thoughts in form - drifting from one place to the other familiarizing with and specialising in none. Where am I going and what to do next? In my case the latter conditions the former, yet it was the former that sets the goal for the latter. However, under close scrutiny it should be better described as both happening at the same time.

I have the rather unrealistic dream to write and publish travelogues, think of Paul Theroux or Michael Asher (British writer and desert explorer). Problem is, I couldn't figure out ways to get there. Two big reasons (or excuses if you insist) being: 1) domestic expectation (read: pressure) to establish a "stable career" and then a family of my own consisting of me, my wife and my children. Flagrant foul of which would result in great domestic disturbance bordering on the edge of a crusade against the offender. 2) doubt and fear of stepping into professionally unknown field at an age when your friends are happily making kids and big bucks at work. The resulting disorientation is great.

This dreadful state forces me to think quickly for even if my family should stop talking about it I couldn't drive it out of my mind. It has successfully taken over woman as my leading preoccupation. As a matter of fact, the idea of a girlfriend might even seem a bit unthinkable. These days I dedicate my time between soaking in photography and trying to figure out my career (and some other meaningless activities like staring into the ceiling), this may sound productive, but it is constantly interrupted by the inconsistency of my thoughts which has led me to my own wretchedness.