The remembrance of Nuria and the Spanish department transported you back to that place and time, and at that place you would remember - with fond memories - Nicaragua. So, while you're still in Nicaragua, you experienced a sensation of being at the same moment in two places separated in both space and time. This mixture of times confused you for a moment, therefore you were somewhat at a loss, and for a fraction of a second you actually thought you were back there thinking about where you are at right now. But, of course, that only lasted for a fraction of a second. What dawned on you was that you will inevitably miss this place, hence you were happy to be here.
18 January 2009
11 January 2009
Murmurs
The skeletons of two adults and two children lie curled-up, perhaps to save space. Alongside them are pots: gifts placed in the grave to use in the afterlife.
I wondered what were their stories and what will be mine.
07 January 2009
The Analysis
While you were not saying a word or looking at her, you were trying to figure out why you acted in such a way that would accomplish nothing but your own suffering. It's all tangled up and you're too lost in your contradictory desires.
Everything was still quite okay until she turned, headed back to the gate and begged them to take her along. That decisive moment cast a shadow upon your impression of her. Hence the analysis began and you were searching frantically for pieces here and there, doing your best to put the fragments together to form a better picture. However, your, shall we say, doubt, began much earlier. That doubt brought back some bad memories, memories of your being used simply because you were of value at that time, and then discarded away when that usefulness was gone. And so when you saw her asking them, the rich guys, to take her along you instinctively associated the two things together. Comparing to them, you were of no exploitation values, which made her not giving a shit about you at that moment perfectly understandable. She didn't fancy you nor like you in anyway at all, you were merely a thing to entertain her.
You felt that she wasn't as innocent as you'd thought, she was so much more complicated than that first impression of yours, and you felt that she was rather smart, social-wisely, and that you were just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen. The temporary conclusion echos the first judgement which conjured the unpleasant past, and so this reasoning is doubly fortified, and thus your love transformed into hate.
But, alas, the tragedy lies in that you are already in love with her and at this stage the reason has little power here to set your mind straight, to get you out of this fucking mess. The analysis neither offers any comfort to the burning soul. Therefore, in a perplexed state, as a desperate and last measure to save yourself from falling any deeper than you already were, you chose to ignore her. However, here resides the contradiction, for you were also using this strategy to protest against her, to call upon her attention to your feelings, you were doing this because you knew no other ways of expressing your sentiments. You wanted to see her reaction to your attitude, so that you can guess whether you matter or not. You wanted, at the same time, to save and to torture yourself; you wanted her to know, yet you dread to let her know; love and hate just got mixed up once again, and so you are witnessing the latest reincarnation in the perpetual circle of disappointment and frustration.
Everything was still quite okay until she turned, headed back to the gate and begged them to take her along. That decisive moment cast a shadow upon your impression of her. Hence the analysis began and you were searching frantically for pieces here and there, doing your best to put the fragments together to form a better picture. However, your, shall we say, doubt, began much earlier. That doubt brought back some bad memories, memories of your being used simply because you were of value at that time, and then discarded away when that usefulness was gone. And so when you saw her asking them, the rich guys, to take her along you instinctively associated the two things together. Comparing to them, you were of no exploitation values, which made her not giving a shit about you at that moment perfectly understandable. She didn't fancy you nor like you in anyway at all, you were merely a thing to entertain her.
You felt that she wasn't as innocent as you'd thought, she was so much more complicated than that first impression of yours, and you felt that she was rather smart, social-wisely, and that you were just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen. The temporary conclusion echos the first judgement which conjured the unpleasant past, and so this reasoning is doubly fortified, and thus your love transformed into hate.
But, alas, the tragedy lies in that you are already in love with her and at this stage the reason has little power here to set your mind straight, to get you out of this fucking mess. The analysis neither offers any comfort to the burning soul. Therefore, in a perplexed state, as a desperate and last measure to save yourself from falling any deeper than you already were, you chose to ignore her. However, here resides the contradiction, for you were also using this strategy to protest against her, to call upon her attention to your feelings, you were doing this because you knew no other ways of expressing your sentiments. You wanted to see her reaction to your attitude, so that you can guess whether you matter or not. You wanted, at the same time, to save and to torture yourself; you wanted her to know, yet you dread to let her know; love and hate just got mixed up once again, and so you are witnessing the latest reincarnation in the perpetual circle of disappointment and frustration.
03 January 2009
Fix You... 12 Months Later
You knew instinctively the moment you saw her that this was the beginning of yet another tough period of suffering, and you couldn't be any more unerring than that. Despite the premonition, you are willing to fall head over heels for her, so who is it to blame, eh? Now she's there dancing with him and you're sitting here pitying yourself thinking oh it's happening all over again and having no way of expressing your frustration but writing it on your blog. Super.
But it's too late, you're already in deep water and can't pull yourself out of it. Therefore what we are witnessing here now is the classical case of love turning into hate, and the more you loved, the more you will inevitably hate. At this stage of the process, you don't really care if hate does turn into suffering, it's a force that you can't fight against because deep inside you want to hate, it's also a way of demonstrating your love for her.
But it's too late, you're already in deep water and can't pull yourself out of it. Therefore what we are witnessing here now is the classical case of love turning into hate, and the more you loved, the more you will inevitably hate. At this stage of the process, you don't really care if hate does turn into suffering, it's a force that you can't fight against because deep inside you want to hate, it's also a way of demonstrating your love for her.
21 December 2008
Évidemment
Contingency is an interesting thing. The past is easily reawakened by an image, a smell, a song or simply a sensation. This "image, smell, song, sensation" is tagged to that memory by chance. Picture this, you were at home and your flatmate was listening to France Gall's Évidemment. Six years later, in another foreign land, you came across this song in your iTunes library, and so the familiar tune brought you back to the good old times and helped you to reconstruct better this bygone epoch, or simply that living room where the event took place. But note that this past could very well be related to another song, image, smell or sensation, Évidemment is not so evident as it might have seem.
Nevertheless, you did were transported back to that place and time, and along with this you remembered other things as well. A tour back to the past is always welcome, however, like what we'd said the other day, it brings both joy and melancholy. And as you are remembering the past with a mixture of feelings, you realize that the present will inevitably be memory in a future time, and that you will remember one of these days with "both happiness and pain" or of this particular morning in Managua in which you came across the song that made you remember Salamanca, and so in an attempt to pass that memory forward and to include her in it, you sent it to Ka.
Nevertheless, you did were transported back to that place and time, and along with this you remembered other things as well. A tour back to the past is always welcome, however, like what we'd said the other day, it brings both joy and melancholy. And as you are remembering the past with a mixture of feelings, you realize that the present will inevitably be memory in a future time, and that you will remember one of these days with "both happiness and pain" or of this particular morning in Managua in which you came across the song that made you remember Salamanca, and so in an attempt to pass that memory forward and to include her in it, you sent it to Ka.
20 December 2008
Strangers in the Night
19:30 05.10.2008
It was good to get the hell out of the boot camp, even just for the duration of the day light. Kelly picked me up at the train station at around 0930 and we went for a coffee before lunch. As soon as we entered the establishment I noticed her immediately, she was sitting there by herself, but with more than one cup on her table, she'd also perceived my presence. The place was pretty full, only about 3 tables were left unoccupied and Kelly happened to pick the one right next to her, and then I happened to sit in a direction that offered an open vista of her. The only way I could be any luckier was for me to be sharing the same table with her, but of course, silly me, it was wishful thinking. However, it might not be as all that wishful as it might seem for I caught her constantly casting furtive glances at me!
The first feature that caught my attention were her bright, beautiful, shy, firm and elusive eyes, they expressed the kind of yearning that inspired heartfelt admiration and begged you for gentle caresses. After I overcame, momentarily, the spell her eyes had casted on me, I was able to continue with my observation: her hair was short, about level with her chin which gave her a cute appearance that went just about perfect with her eyes and face. She wasn't exactly the kind of slim and shapely sheila, she was a bit chubby which was reflected on her white t-shirt. If we follow the force of gravity, our sights would be met with a flaring, multi-levelled, light green coloured skirt with a length of about 15 centre metres below the knees which was quite popular on the streets. Further down we see a pair of gardening shoes which didn't count as sexy as the bracelet around her right ankle.
All of a sudden my cell started to ring so I excused myself and made for the door, and upon my return Kelly was at the counter thus leaving me alone with her. It was my chance. I then sat down, looked around, and at last at her, and she at me, elusively. My eyes searched again for Kelly, she was still at the counter. I stood up, out of courtesy, thinking I should help her with it instead of just sitting there so anxiously trying to get the phone number of a stranger, but I stopped midway, my head told me to do one thing, but the desire aspired otherwise.
At this moment of indecision her solitude was broken and was joined by a middle-aged woman and a kid, they seem to be a family. I was relieved and overjoyed to see them instead of a guy joining her. By then Kelly also returned to the table. Despite the changes to the situation I managed to spy on her from time to time, and a while later, thanks to the boy attracting Kelly's attention and affection, I was able to openly direct my intention at her, then as if answering my call she responded likewise. So for the duration of a few seconds that felt more like an eternity we indulged ourselves in a world constructed by the glances of two strangers.
It was good to get the hell out of the boot camp, even just for the duration of the day light. Kelly picked me up at the train station at around 0930 and we went for a coffee before lunch. As soon as we entered the establishment I noticed her immediately, she was sitting there by herself, but with more than one cup on her table, she'd also perceived my presence. The place was pretty full, only about 3 tables were left unoccupied and Kelly happened to pick the one right next to her, and then I happened to sit in a direction that offered an open vista of her. The only way I could be any luckier was for me to be sharing the same table with her, but of course, silly me, it was wishful thinking. However, it might not be as all that wishful as it might seem for I caught her constantly casting furtive glances at me!
The first feature that caught my attention were her bright, beautiful, shy, firm and elusive eyes, they expressed the kind of yearning that inspired heartfelt admiration and begged you for gentle caresses. After I overcame, momentarily, the spell her eyes had casted on me, I was able to continue with my observation: her hair was short, about level with her chin which gave her a cute appearance that went just about perfect with her eyes and face. She wasn't exactly the kind of slim and shapely sheila, she was a bit chubby which was reflected on her white t-shirt. If we follow the force of gravity, our sights would be met with a flaring, multi-levelled, light green coloured skirt with a length of about 15 centre metres below the knees which was quite popular on the streets. Further down we see a pair of gardening shoes which didn't count as sexy as the bracelet around her right ankle.
All of a sudden my cell started to ring so I excused myself and made for the door, and upon my return Kelly was at the counter thus leaving me alone with her. It was my chance. I then sat down, looked around, and at last at her, and she at me, elusively. My eyes searched again for Kelly, she was still at the counter. I stood up, out of courtesy, thinking I should help her with it instead of just sitting there so anxiously trying to get the phone number of a stranger, but I stopped midway, my head told me to do one thing, but the desire aspired otherwise.
At this moment of indecision her solitude was broken and was joined by a middle-aged woman and a kid, they seem to be a family. I was relieved and overjoyed to see them instead of a guy joining her. By then Kelly also returned to the table. Despite the changes to the situation I managed to spy on her from time to time, and a while later, thanks to the boy attracting Kelly's attention and affection, I was able to openly direct my intention at her, then as if answering my call she responded likewise. So for the duration of a few seconds that felt more like an eternity we indulged ourselves in a world constructed by the glances of two strangers.
17 December 2008
The Wandering Man
I'm on my way again, but this time not for pleasure, but duty. It's like the kind of posts that people covet because you get to fly to another country free of charge. Contrary to public opinions, I'm a bit reluctant to go this time around, I suppose I'm tired of moving around without having a place or person to call my own. I've spent a good chunk of my time moving from one place to another. Well, it's not that I don't like it, I do, I like the sense of freedom and the ability to see the world with my own eyes, but I guess I'm somewhat weary of doing it by myself, I reckon that I want some company.
But the reality sometimes shows no mercy, and you don't get to see your wishes realised, at least not for anytime soon. I'm on the move now, and I've forseen some more years on the road before I should, if fate will, settle down. Settling down might not sound like the thing a young man of my age would say (or am I wrong and that this thought is actually quite commonplace?), but for someone suffering so constantly from loneliness I suppose it's quite normal, and that loneliness is made worse because you don't look like one that has this kind of problems, on top of that you find it difficult to express it anywhere but here.
But the reality sometimes shows no mercy, and you don't get to see your wishes realised, at least not for anytime soon. I'm on the move now, and I've forseen some more years on the road before I should, if fate will, settle down. Settling down might not sound like the thing a young man of my age would say (or am I wrong and that this thought is actually quite commonplace?), but for someone suffering so constantly from loneliness I suppose it's quite normal, and that loneliness is made worse because you don't look like one that has this kind of problems, on top of that you find it difficult to express it anywhere but here.
28 November 2008
State of Emergency
It’s well into the night and you stumble upon songs from the past. The past just reincarnates with the melodies. You feel both the happiness of seeing old friends, and the pain of being aware of the fact that they will never return. You need to talk to someone, someone who had been to where you’d been. You need someone to alleviate that pain, or to share that burden. It’s an emergency, and you suddenly realise how much you miss not just Spain, but also the uni.
21 November 2008
The Impotence
You can live in a complete state of happiness when you don’t know a thing about this world, but once you are contaminated by the mundane matters, no matter how minute they are, there’s no going back to the good old days. You first wonder, then question, and in the end you want to do something. However, the reality is something far more complex than you’d ever imagined, and you find yourself shackled, unable to move or to act, but only to watch. Being forced into playing the role of a bystander is no joyous task, nor it brings any conscience to the mind. You see the injustice going on around you, you see the brave souls out there braving the elements fighting for their believes and their causes, you see the intimidation from the higher places, and you feel the urge to join them, to fight for something you can relate to. But you are also very aware of your current situation which impossibilitates you from carrying out any forms of tomfoolery.
You think to yourself with resentment of such perfect timing, how could this be happening? The situation is deteriorating around the clock, yet you're bound to leave for another land. A sense of powerlessness doesn't have to go over you to make you understand just how impotent you are. It's by no means like what they say in the telly ads, where a bunch of sunny fellas turn to the camera while dashing into the ocean waves crying cheerfully that you can decide how you want your life to be. I'm sorry, but it's just not like that at all. Sometimes the wave is just too strong and you get swept away so easily like blowing a dust off the table. Some congratulate you on your travelling to another country free of charge, while others think it's lucky to get away from the shit that's already been going on for months, but you just want to stay, as a freeman (in its relative sense, for you are never free), to fight for what you think is right. It's as disheartening and demoralizing as seeing what you've so painstakingly built over the years being destroyed in no time.
You think to yourself with resentment of such perfect timing, how could this be happening? The situation is deteriorating around the clock, yet you're bound to leave for another land. A sense of powerlessness doesn't have to go over you to make you understand just how impotent you are. It's by no means like what they say in the telly ads, where a bunch of sunny fellas turn to the camera while dashing into the ocean waves crying cheerfully that you can decide how you want your life to be. I'm sorry, but it's just not like that at all. Sometimes the wave is just too strong and you get swept away so easily like blowing a dust off the table. Some congratulate you on your travelling to another country free of charge, while others think it's lucky to get away from the shit that's already been going on for months, but you just want to stay, as a freeman (in its relative sense, for you are never free), to fight for what you think is right. It's as disheartening and demoralizing as seeing what you've so painstakingly built over the years being destroyed in no time.
22 October 2008
The Beehive
10:28 24.09.2008
Prioir to entering the boot camp I made a visit to Taipei, there I caught up with some old friends. The age range is 22-26.
Prioir to entering the boot camp I made a visit to Taipei, there I caught up with some old friends. The age range is 22-26.
***
J'd been busy studying for the past 6 months for Ministry of Foreign Affairs' diplomat exam. He looked sort of busy and content, somewhat uneasy at times. We talked about life in the boot camp, the rules, the ought-tos and ought-nots. After lunch the subject turned to future plans. It seemed a bit odd to me that he was seemingly happy with the direction his life was heading towards. He told me, back in the uni, that he was doing this exam just to please his mentor and that his true intention was in another one of Phd. scholarship. But this time around the only plans for a Phd. that was being mentioned was mine, I had a rough idea of the kind of Phd. course I wanted to do, but any furthur ideas was yet to be formulated. I figured that I still had some miles to cover before I reached a conclusion. On the contrary, the contentness of J showed that he was either lost or had already found what he wanted to do in life (or at least for the moment).
***
V, like me, was doing the army soon. The conversation was mainly about the army, and because we were going to serve overseas so we also talked about the experiences of those before us, the salaries and things relating to this military service of ours. Plans of what was on our minds regarding the future was briefly mentioned and then cast aside.
***
After graduating from the uni, Gua Gua found a living in a trading company in the capital, so we could only meet in the evening. During the course of the dinner, several subjects were brought up, the army of course, what ours friends were up to, and the not-so-distant past. But most of all we talked about her job. She complained what an asshole her boss was and how much she wanted to quit. However, the reality bites, so she would probably stayed for at least an year before moving on to the next or any other plans she had on her mind. She also expressed the desire to continue her education, a master course perhaps. But, the problem was that she didn't quite know what she wanted to study, and I wanted to help her with it, to discover where her true interest lay.
***
Zih-Guo stayed in the Ministry of Education after finishing his service. We didn't chat for long because he had to work the next day. His grilfriend resembled some acquaintance of mine back in the uni. When I rang him they were watching Cape No.7 in the mall, so it was agreed that we were to meet there. We talked about our friends back in the uni, but there wasn't actually that much of them to talk about because we were never that close to them. There were always those little groups and we mainly maintained good relations with each and every one of them, but nothing furthur. I suppose it was because I'd never identified myself with 'em, therefore I didn't dedicate my time in entering their circles. So everytime we talked about them we only mentioned the main figures. Then we moved on to the following subjects: his job, the army, and plans for the future. He was preparing for the functionary exam.
***
It seemed like everyone was in a great hurry in the capital, Shiao-Yen had to run for the metro in 2 hours so we met in the Main Station and chatted over a cup of coffee on the second floor. From our current geographical position, the metro would be reached in about 30 seconds' time. Highly time-saving and efficient. Big metropolis. The cafés and restaurants were mostly full so we made a round tour first.
The conversation started the moment she called out my name back there on the first floor, was interrupted at the counter, and resumed when we were seated. I was surprised to find her still doing her master thesis, so for a good part of the 2 hour that we had she explained to me things behind the smiles. It's not unheard of the unethical practices of some professors: capitaling on the investigations, researches of the students, deploiting them for completely personal means, etc. etc. Anyway, the situation was not in her favour and she was in her fifth year. Then the conversation moved towards the old classmates and teachers, and I was again surprised to find her praising with all the rhetoric she could possibly muster certain professor, whose reputation in the department was quite the contrary, which made me revaluate the way I see the prof, she couldn't be all that negative as rumoured. Before long, as if by nature, future plans were brought up. She was thinking about doing a Phd. in the states and her enthusiasm shone through her expression. She's got that radiance in her eyes while talking about these plans of hers, and at that moment I somehow envied her for it. Then before we knew it, time was up and we parted way.
The conversation started the moment she called out my name back there on the first floor, was interrupted at the counter, and resumed when we were seated. I was surprised to find her still doing her master thesis, so for a good part of the 2 hour that we had she explained to me things behind the smiles. It's not unheard of the unethical practices of some professors: capitaling on the investigations, researches of the students, deploiting them for completely personal means, etc. etc. Anyway, the situation was not in her favour and she was in her fifth year. Then the conversation moved towards the old classmates and teachers, and I was again surprised to find her praising with all the rhetoric she could possibly muster certain professor, whose reputation in the department was quite the contrary, which made me revaluate the way I see the prof, she couldn't be all that negative as rumoured. Before long, as if by nature, future plans were brought up. She was thinking about doing a Phd. in the states and her enthusiasm shone through her expression. She's got that radiance in her eyes while talking about these plans of hers, and at that moment I somehow envied her for it. Then before we knew it, time was up and we parted way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)