Tour Report: Eternal Sojourn

The 7th day in Sydney, to be honest, if I didn't know anyone here I wouldn't even bother to come. Here I've done lots of things which didn't even cross my mind before, we cooked lamb with vegges and did Pavlova; went to a play which took place in a cemetery about the Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca; a walk in the Blue Mountains with Jacqui and the birthday dinner of her sister; to Yum Cha; and to the "church" with Hannah.

I have to say, I've really enjoyed Sydney so far. However, the thing within haunts me still, amongst the good atmosphere and the friendly lot.

I realized, or rather being reconfirmed, once more that I was unable to start an easy conversation because I simply didn't know what to say, because I was too damn absorbed into (or accustomed to) the so called serious issues that I was thinking literally nothing else but them, and apparently someone like that is, in one word, boring. Yes, I'm boring, I'm not pop, I'm not cool. And someone like that is destined to reside in a long lone fight.

Is this the "disappointment" like the guy said during the sermon that night in the "church"? Or is it simply the cruel recognition and acceptance of what one is?

Even though I'm having a great time here and the fact that I like it so much (because of Jacqui and Hannah, not because of the place) that I would really love to stay and become part of it, the sense of not belonging came out of its lair and shrouded me in its full embrace. You don't belong here, you don't belong to anywhere, you are to keep going and never stop, that's your design, your task, your destiny.

It was high spirit the night in the "church" (no wonder why people like to go to concerts so much), tears almost found their way into my eyes and onto the cheeks, "I trust in you" what simple words and yet what a solace it would be, all the sorrow and bitterness would be gone. But I just can't commit myself into it because what they said of their experiences and believes I don't see and I don't feel myself. I want to believe, to feel, to be troubled no more. What a bliss it would be to know that you're not alone, that you're being loved.

I want to, but I can't. I can't say or do something that I don't feel.

Is it really Fate or just My Fate? Guess you can call me the man without great conviction and the tragical/ironical insistence on the road to self-destruction.