Évidemment

Contingency is an interesting thing. The past is easily reawakened by an image, a smell, a song or simply a sensation. This "image, smell, song, sensation" is tagged to that memory by chance. Picture this, you were at home and your flatmate was listening to France Gall's Évidemment. Six years later, in another foreign land, you came across this song in your iTunes library, and so the familiar tune brought you back to the good old times and helped you to reconstruct better this bygone epoch, or simply that living room where the event took place. But note that this past could very well be related to another song, image, smell or sensation, Évidemment is not so evident as it might have seem.

Nevertheless, you did were transported back to that place and time, and along with this you remembered other things as well. A tour back to the past is always welcome, however, like what we'd said the other day, it brings both joy and melancholy. And as you are remembering the past with a mixture of feelings, you realize that the present will inevitably be memory in a future time, and that you will remember one of these days with "both happiness and pain" or of this particular morning in Managua in which you came across the song that made you remember Salamanca, and so in an attempt to pass that memory forward and to include her in it, you sent it to Ka.

Strangers in the Night

19:30 05.10.2008

It was good to get the hell out of the boot camp, even just for the duration of the day light. Kelly picked me up at the train station at around 0930 and we went for a coffee before lunch. As soon as we entered the establishment I noticed her immediately, she was sitting there by herself, but with more than one cup on her table, she'd also perceived my presence. The place was pretty full, only about 3 tables were left unoccupied and Kelly happened to pick the one right next to her, and then I happened to sit in a direction that offered an open vista of her. The only way I could be any luckier was for me to be sharing the same table with her, but of course, silly me, it was wishful thinking. However, it might not be as all that wishful as it might seem for I caught her constantly casting furtive glances at me!

The first feature that caught my attention were her bright, beautiful, shy, firm and elusive eyes, they expressed the kind of yearning that inspired heartfelt admiration and begged you for gentle caresses. After I overcame, momentarily, the spell her eyes had casted on me, I was able to continue with my observation: her hair was short, about level with her chin which gave her a cute appearance that went just about perfect with her eyes and face. She wasn't exactly the kind of slim and shapely sheila, she was a bit chubby which was reflected on her white t-shirt. If we follow the force of gravity, our sights would be met with a flaring, multi-levelled, light green coloured skirt with a length of about 15 centre metres below the knees which was quite popular on the streets. Further down we see a pair of gardening shoes which didn't count as sexy as the bracelet around her right ankle.

All of a sudden my cell started to ring so I excused myself and made for the door, and upon my return Kelly was at the counter thus leaving me alone with her. It was my chance. I then sat down, looked around, and at last at her, and she at me, elusively. My eyes searched again for Kelly, she was still at the counter. I stood up, out of courtesy, thinking I should help her with it instead of just sitting there so anxiously trying to get the phone number of a stranger, but I stopped midway, my head told me to do one thing, but the desire aspired otherwise.

At this moment of indecision her solitude was broken and was joined by a middle-aged woman and a kid, they seem to be a family. I was relieved and overjoyed to see them instead of a guy joining her. By then Kelly also returned to the table. Despite the changes to the situation I managed to spy on her from time to time, and a while later, thanks to the boy attracting Kelly's attention and affection, I was able to openly direct my intention at her, then as if answering my call she responded likewise. So for the duration of a few seconds that felt more like an eternity we indulged ourselves in a world constructed by the glances of two strangers.

The Wandering Man

I'm on my way again, but this time not for pleasure, but duty. It's like the kind of posts that people covet because you get to fly to another country free of charge. Contrary to public opinions, I'm a bit reluctant to go this time around, I suppose I'm tired of moving around without having a place or person to call my own. I've spent a good chunk of my time moving from one place to another. Well, it's not that I don't like it, I do, I like the sense of freedom and the ability to see the world with my own eyes, but I guess I'm somewhat weary of doing it by myself, I reckon that I want some company.

But the reality sometimes shows no mercy, and you don't get to see your wishes realised, at least not for anytime soon. I'm on the move now, and I've forseen some more years on the road before I should, if fate will, settle down. Settling down might not sound like the thing a young man of my age would say (or am I wrong and that this thought is actually quite commonplace?), but for someone suffering so constantly from loneliness I suppose it's quite normal, and that loneliness is made worse because you don't look like one that has this kind of problems, on top of that you find it difficult to express it anywhere but here.

State of Emergency

It’s well into the night and you stumble upon songs from the past. The past just reincarnates with the melodies. You feel both the happiness of seeing old friends, and the pain of being aware of the fact that they will never return. You need to talk to someone, someone who had been to where you’d been. You need someone to alleviate that pain, or to share that burden. It’s an emergency, and you suddenly realise how much you miss not just Spain, but also the uni.

The Impotence

You can live in a complete state of happiness when you don’t know a thing about this world, but once you are contaminated by the mundane matters, no matter how minute they are, there’s no going back to the good old days. You first wonder, then question, and in the end you want to do something. However, the reality is something far more complex than you’d ever imagined, and you find yourself shackled, unable to move or to act, but only to watch. Being forced into playing the role of a bystander is no joyous task, nor it brings any conscience to the mind. You see the injustice going on around you, you see the brave souls out there braving the elements fighting for their believes and their causes, you see the intimidation from the higher places, and you feel the urge to join them, to fight for something you can relate to. But you are also very aware of your current situation which impossibilitates you from carrying out any forms of tomfoolery.

You think to yourself with resentment of such perfect timing, how could this be happening? The situation is deteriorating around the clock, yet you're bound to leave for another land. A sense of powerlessness doesn't have to go over you to make you understand just how impotent you are. It's by no means like what they say in the telly ads, where a bunch of sunny fellas turn to the camera while dashing into the ocean waves crying cheerfully that you can decide how you want your life to be. I'm sorry, but it's just not like that at all. Sometimes the wave is just too strong and you get swept away so easily like blowing a dust off the table. Some congratulate you on your travelling to another country free of charge, while others think it's lucky to get away from the shit that's already been going on for months, but you just want to stay, as a freeman (in its relative sense, for you are never free), to fight for what you think is right. It's as disheartening and demoralizing as seeing what you've so painstakingly built over the years being destroyed in no time.

The Beehive

10:28 24.09.2008

Prioir to entering the boot camp I made a visit to Taipei, there I caught up with some old friends. The age range is 22-26.

***

J'd been busy studying for the past 6 months for Ministry of Foreign Affairs' diplomat exam. He looked sort of busy and content, somewhat uneasy at times. We talked about life in the boot camp, the rules, the ought-tos and ought-nots. After lunch the subject turned to future plans. It seemed a bit odd to me that he was seemingly happy with the direction his life was heading towards. He told me, back in the uni, that he was doing this exam just to please his mentor and that his true intention was in another one of Phd. scholarship. But this time around the only plans for a Phd. that was being mentioned was mine, I had a rough idea of the kind of Phd. course I wanted to do, but any furthur ideas was yet to be formulated. I figured that I still had some miles to cover before I reached a conclusion. On the contrary, the contentness of J showed that he was either lost or had already found what he wanted to do in life (or at least for the moment).

***

V, like me, was doing the army soon. The conversation was mainly about the army, and because we were going to serve overseas so we also talked about the experiences of those before us, the salaries and things relating to this military service of ours. Plans of what was on our minds regarding the future was briefly mentioned and then cast aside.

***

After graduating from the uni, Gua Gua found a living in a trading company in the capital, so we could only meet in the evening. During the course of the dinner, several subjects were brought up, the army of course, what ours friends were up to, and the not-so-distant past. But most of all we talked about her job. She complained what an asshole her boss was and how much she wanted to quit. However, the reality bites, so she would probably stayed for at least an year before moving on to the next or any other plans she had on her mind. She also expressed the desire to continue her education, a master course perhaps. But, the problem was that she didn't quite know what she wanted to study, and I wanted to help her with it, to discover where her true interest lay.

***

Zih-Guo stayed in the Ministry of Education after finishing his service. We didn't chat for long because he had to work the next day. His grilfriend resembled some acquaintance of mine back in the uni. When I rang him they were watching Cape No.7 in the mall, so it was agreed that we were to meet there. We talked about our friends back in the uni, but there wasn't actually that much of them to talk about because we were never that close to them. There were always those little groups and we mainly maintained good relations with each and every one of them, but nothing furthur. I suppose it was because I'd never identified myself with 'em, therefore I didn't dedicate my time in entering their circles. So everytime we talked about them we only mentioned the main figures. Then we moved on to the following subjects: his job, the army, and plans for the future. He was preparing for the functionary exam.

***

It seemed like everyone was in a great hurry in the capital, Shiao-Yen had to run for the metro in 2 hours so we met in the Main Station and chatted over a cup of coffee on the second floor. From our current geographical position, the metro would be reached in about 30 seconds' time. Highly time-saving and efficient. Big metropolis. The cafés and restaurants were mostly full so we made a round tour first.

The conversation started the moment she called out my name back there on the first floor, was interrupted at the counter, and resumed when we were seated. I was surprised to find her still doing her master thesis, so for a good part of the 2 hour that we had she explained to me things behind the smiles. It's not unheard of the unethical practices of some professors: capitaling on the investigations, researches of the students, deploiting them for completely personal means, etc. etc. Anyway, the situation was not in her favour and she was in her fifth year. Then the conversation moved towards the old classmates and teachers, and I was again surprised to find her praising with all the rhetoric she could possibly muster certain professor, whose reputation in the department was quite the contrary, which made me revaluate the way I see the prof, she couldn't be all that negative as rumoured. Before long, as if by nature, future plans were brought up. She was thinking about doing a Phd. in the states and her enthusiasm shone through her expression. She's got that radiance in her eyes while talking about these plans of hers, and at that moment I somehow envied her for it. Then before we knew it, time was up and we parted way.

Paul Newman (January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008)

All I know about Paul Newman is that he was a famous actor, so while I was reading the news and staring at the picture of him holding some trophy or something I experienced a surreal sensation going over me, it was the same sensation I felt while reading Nuria's email.

She said that the other day in the office someone brought up my name all of a sudden, so everyone started to discuss about my life in the army and imagining how I would look like with a butch haircut, then little by little the discussion died down to daily shores, and the subject was forgotten.

Vivaldi - Nisi Dominus, RV608 VII

09:50 23.09.2008

The world was set with a retro-futuristic style... We were a merrily newly-wed couple... One day she was violated... I sought revenge on the perpetrator... I failed in my vendetta... He escaped... He returned with more sinister intentions and minions.. Our lives acquired a fugitive tone...

It was blurring enough trying to remember it in the morning, let alone at 0855 of the next day while listening to a lecture. The thing about being in the army boot camp is the great deprivation of physical freedom - not being able to freely move around, not being able to move without getting an order. Every movement is conditioned, turn left, turn right, sit down, stand at attention, stand at ease, look straight ahead, eat, applause, jump, run, stop, drink, stand up, sleep, wake up, sing, gather, refill your water bottle, pee and shit, clean your plate, move forward, salute, go down stairs, change clothing and wipe the sweat off your forehead.

The picture of how openly and wholeheartedly you would greet and embrace your family and friends surface to your mind's eye and you take great pleasure in envisioning these images. You also think and dream(literally) about the sheilas. On the bus into the camp you looked out of the window thinking not about the days ahead, but about Evl, you knew why you thought about her at this particular moment, but that was a secret that you could never reveal to her - for maintaining your friendship's sake. The picture of her happily holding her niece by the beach turned you oblivious to the changes to the scenery and the dynamics on board the bus. You see her face, you hear her voice, you think about her life without you, and you sense two roads that will not cross path.

The other night you dreamt about CM leaning joyously in your arms. You were in an elevator that was going up. The setting was also retro-futuristic, just like Lang's Metropolis. Interesting.

The recurring images of them made the idle moments not only easier, but also blissful despite sorrowful at time. They offer a means of detachment and bring up genuine smiles upon your face. What's so curious about this fact is that the deprivation of physical freedom somehow brings about temporary freedom of imagination.

Face/Off

Let me tell you this: it's all about the appearances. Some fella showed the world what a dimwit he was by saying that China was a peaceful loving, tree-hugging country which maintained harmony with surrounding countries(!). He must've been living in a cave. Throughout the history of China we see a great abundance of examples of cruelties against one another and against one's own people. Examples of such merit not a mention here since you can come across plenty of them in any history books on China. This is a statement of facts (many times we need to seperate the actions of the government from its people, David Wallechinsky puts it well in How to Protest the Beijing Olympics).

The same applies to today's Chinese regime, it's anything but peace-loving. Deception is its best trick. If you think positioning a thousand missles in the east coast all directing towards Taiwan is a manifestation of the peaceful goodwill, then I really don't know how to define belligerent. Of course, this is the natural feeling of someone whose country is being threatened, and the world exists no justice at all. "Justice" exists only when 1) you're strong, and 2) you're of any meaningful use to the others. Shameful, but that's how it is. Like I've said only someone whose homeland is in danger will feel this way, people in the "free world" don't give a shit about this because Taiwan is too far away so they just don't feel it.

Deception. Lies. That was how the Communist Party of China (CPC) tricked the IOC (International Olympic Committee) into awarding her the grand prize of hosting the Games. The cases of violations to her promise to allow more freedom of speech out number the amount of existing planktons (another great achievement of the Chinese government), Tibet, Xinjiang and a long list of etceteras, just google them and you'll get more than what you bargain for, enough to keep you busy till London 2012 and beyond.

They do are good at faking things, aren't they? Fake tiger photos, fake journalistic photos of piegons which then won a prize, etc. etc. And today as usual we got some more coming in: fake ceremonial fireworks (which turned out to be CGI), and some Sleight of Voice according to the New York Times. Why would someone do such a thing then? The answer can't be any simpler and straightfoward - it looks good! It looks good, but in reality, there's no real substance to back up the pretty face, but it doesn't matter, because in the end what counts is what's on the surface and that is because that's what we see and believe and, most importantly, that's what we only care about.

I dreamt about you

And in that dream I held your hands in mine, something's odd about you though, probably it was the hair, they were shorter I suppose. We were good and happy, it was sweet. However, despite that I was holding your hands you didn't seem to quite realize how I felt towards you, you treated me just as a good friend. Coincidently, that was how I believed I'd felt about you too, just a good friend, but the great frequency of you popping into my thoughts and the yearning to touch you told me otherwise, which troubles me a lot because your boyfriend is also my friend, and being true to friends, I'm thus prohibited from doing certain things which spell disloyalty.

Then, as if something suddenly hit you, you withdrew your hands slowly and consequently the distance between us grew, both physically and mentally, you became a stranger to me. I didn't know you anymore. I watched you keeping your distance without looking at you. God. Then I woke up, and I couldn't get that haunting image out of my head. It's too hard to tell, I don't know how to interpret your actions and words, if you were single I would have no doubt in my mind that you loved me. But I suppose much guessing is useless now as I'm leaving this place on Sunday, and then on a jet plane next year.

And then you will also graduate and go your own way. For the time being, I don't see that our path will cross, we don't even live in the same town. What makes this time around tough is that you know something about me that others don't, and most importanly, you are you, you critize when you want to critize, you show your love towards the animals with your big mouth and actions when you truely felt it regardless of how others would think about you. You are you, genuine, in my view. You don't wear fancy dress or high heels just because people think it's prettier or sexier that way, you don't put on something that makes you uncomfortable. There were times that you made me angry, but you bowed down and apologized. Then, unlike my usual self, I told you what was it you said or did that made me angry. But when I saw you cry, I felt horrible. And I knew at that moment that my suffering was just about to begin for my feeling towards you was clear and unquestionable.