Haunted

It's clear now, I know why I felt that way, why I didn't want it, it was simply because I didn't really fall for her. Thinking about it now I feel relaxed that I told her to think it over seriously before doing anything serious, perhaps I was saying that to myself. Doesn't matter, I'm grateful now that I did was cautious this time.

But just like any novels or movies, there're always more hideous monsters to slay and bloody puzzles to solve, just like the Ouroboros that keeps generating itself indefinitely, I'm faced with a new situation that puts me again at the end of my wits. It's one of the things that I've always feared the most.

For years I've been trying to convince myself that Señorita was not for me and that I didn't feel a thing towards her because she was too attractive to me. So I deliberately kept a distance between us thinking that this way I would be able to erase my feelings towards her. Days grew up into weeks and then months and finally escalated into years and still when I'm by her side I have that urge to cup her cheeks between my palms and savour every bit of her lips, I have to force myself to think of something else lest I should do something stupid. But recently, my reign over my feelings is crumbling and I don't have faith in what I've been preaching to myself anymore. A revolution has begun. I think it's about time that I be true to my feelings instead of the feelings that my plans for the future allowed. I would not be the man I want to be if I only listen to the logical, I would be horrible if I should ignore what my heart tells me, I would be lost. I'm more and more inclined to believe that my plans will find their places by themselves and that I should put down this mask that I've been wearing for years, that I'm already lost in my quest for the awakening of the self and it took me 5 years to figure out the simple truth that what I've always wanted has been right there next to me all this time.

Then, with it comes another problem, that I would fail again. Ah! Bloody hell! The thing is we're close, well you would probably think otherwise, but in my standard it is anyway, and it's impossible to tell if she's just being a good buddy or something more. And I would really hate myself if I should lose her company and her smile. And I fear that it would be the same once more. Maybe I should just go away again for a while, but I've already been away for years and it haunts me still.

I've Seen It All

She told me the other day that despite the fact that she already had a boyfriend she was attracted to me and she had a conflict inside. And I'm getting the impression that I'm getting close this time. But, with that thought I experienced a strange feeling, that I didn't want it, that I somehow cherished my state of loneliness, that I wanted to call it off, but it was too late and might very well already span out of control.

Can't explain why. Sometimes I don't know what is real and what is not, I don't know whether something that I'm having on my mind being something that I think that I'm really thinking about. It's all getting too complicated, and no, I'm not depressed or something at the time of writing this, just disoriented. I wonder how it has come to this? Too many things in my head that I can't distill one from another and my true feelings, whatever they might be, lie hidden somewhere, well, if they are really the true ones, that is.

I don't know which version of my conjectures I should subscribe to.

What worsens the situation even more is that I've been thinking about this girl Emma of Queen Victoria Market whom I've never met, but just couldn't stop my thoughts from drifting towards her. It's ridiculous, I don't know what I want. This moment I'm still here and the next I'm already there, it's changing so fast that I don't know if I should dance with it.

Maybe I should just go away.

Jailbird

I do wonder why I always fall for impossible girls? Just when I was rejoicing over my grand victory over the last suffering and emerged from the ashes I set my foot on quicksilver and trapped in the swamp, again.

Sometimes when I think about it I couldn't help wondering whether it's just being a joke after all. They tried to cheer me up, and well sometimes I do reply with a pretty upbeat tone, but I guess I'm already numbed, it's like I'm being a big old hotel frequented by Frustrations and Frustrations and in the end I was assimilated, resistence is futile. I'm getting used to it, knowing it even before knowing them. It's inevitable. Never give up hope, yeah that's what they say, but they've forgotten something important, that I am me.

I'm always worrying about me losing my sanity to a local girl because then I would be stuck here my whole life because I'm not a man with great convictions, I'm easily distracted and would abandon my dreams and plans just to follow her, just to be with her, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to touch her, to live that infinite moment in the finite. I don't want to be stuck here, I want to see the world with my very eyes with my own power, I need to, I can't be stuck here, I'll die with grieve, I have to go. But I failed in keeping my promise and I felt joy and sorrow and I surrendered and she told me that she already had a boyfriend and I was freed, but I don't know how I feel about that.

Keep on Spinning That Wheel

The end
starts with
the beginning.

Less-developed Country

It's not that I hate them or dislike them, just that I feel a profound pity for them. The thing is there are too much misleading informations out there, they're everywhere, in the songs, in the movies, slogans, everywhere. And people take them as unfailing truth while regarding the real thing as cliché and precisely beacuase they're cliché, they are worthless crap.

For example, the other day I was talking with a friend of mine over the MSN and I said that love is the cure (by love I don't mean romantic love between couples) and my friend said, like that “love conquers all” thing? (now don't get mad Hahn if you're reading this, I know you are. It's not directed towards you) I can't say for sure what her attitude would be like when she uttered those quoted words, but I could guess from the letters shown on the screen that my remark was being held in contempt at the beginning.

I remember that a couple of months ago I said something like that the most important thing in one's life is not to be just happy but to know oneself and the meaning of life. I still think it's true, or most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worthy if one's not happy in the end (or the entire life) and dying with a blind rancour against the whole fucking world. That's nothing, no lucidity nor happiness. Just nothing.

When I meet people and discover that they're “ill-informed”, I sometimes don't know what to do or say because I do feel the urge to make them think yet I don't want to preach to anyone and screw up their mood and make myself look like a bore. So I just ended up saying nothing, sometimes I just smiled and walked out of the scene. I figured, if I force them to listen to me then wouldn't it make me the very same people that demand me to believe and behave like them? By being my truth doesn't make it the absolute truth. Some might say that I'm becoming more and more apathetic.

She likes to go to discos, but I think it's just a fucking waste of time. I don't see what's the good of banging your ears with that loud and lousy music and all that shit. Perhaps it's a way of forgetting one's problems in life, a way of paralyzing the soul, losing oneself in the adrenaline rush, thinking that it would have been better to have felt nothing at all, even if they don't realize that. It could be addictive because when one's in it one does not feel the pain but the excitement and the heat. And little by little it becomes “the way to go”, the “how it should be”. I don't dare to say this to her, but I do hope that she would realize that someday.

Can't preach to anyone therefore I can only vent in my blog of my narcissism. So I feel a profound pity for them, and for myself.

Mass, Critical

Oh yeah. I think it's about time that I need to seriously think it over and actually do something. Let's face the facts, I'm but a head and limbs attached to a laminate. Yeah I know what I always said, that muscular guys have no brains and Shakespeare never had to put up with this shit. This is how I defended myself, that they're nothing but puppets, they might be physically powerful, but they have no real strength that truely matters, and I, though skinny I am, have the real thing and I should be proud of that. That was how I always defended myself and it had been effective for years (23 as a matter of fact), but recently this theorization manifests itself in real material form! And I suspect that it get its inspiration from my physical shape... The thing is the body that I'm possessing is so thin that I can just get into a room without even bothering to open the door! Well, on a second thought, that might be an advantage though, hmmm...

So a scale 100 earthquake never before seen in history tore down the foundation of my ease of mind and I was forced to reexamine the whole theory again. Soon I realized that probably Shakespeare was a real robust fella so he never had to put up with this shit.

I know why I don't like the beaches or swimming or any activities that requires one to remove the clothing, I know why I don't like showing up in the photos, I know how the colonel Aureliano Buendía felt when he was in front of his colossal brother José Arcadio: inferior. This sense is so powerful that it changes one's behaviours without one realizing it. Its effects on one's life is grave, without that sense of confidence one would feel inferior no matter where he goes, unless you're Shakespeare, of course, but you're not. It transcends beyond the mere physical and descends in the psychological realm. One has no confidence in oneself whether in a group or alone, but the shame is surely bigger when a place is peopled because in comparison he's a disgrace. That could be one of the reasons why one would prefer to be alone and soothes oneself with the thought that Shakespeare never had to put up with this shit while clicking away his time in front of the computer. It's a bloody vicious circle that goes nowhere.

It goes nowhere and I ain't want it. Last night Jackie told me that I was way too skinny and I finally recognized that fact that I knew all along and decided that something had to change. Oh, Jackie! Too bad that you're too far away. So what I am going to do is simple, first, eat a lot, protein (like chicken/turkey breasts, eggs, lean beef, fish, to name a few) is the most important thing in building up muscles, and second, work out 3 times a week, don't wanna get myself killed for over-exercising. Let's see if you can see me one day with a big smile those sunny wankers wear on the beach picking up chicks in my pictures.