I've Seen It All

She told me the other day that despite the fact that she already had a boyfriend she was attracted to me and she had a conflict inside. And I'm getting the impression that I'm getting close this time. But, with that thought I experienced a strange feeling, that I didn't want it, that I somehow cherished my state of loneliness, that I wanted to call it off, but it was too late and might very well already span out of control.

Can't explain why. Sometimes I don't know what is real and what is not, I don't know whether something that I'm having on my mind being something that I think that I'm really thinking about. It's all getting too complicated, and no, I'm not depressed or something at the time of writing this, just disoriented. I wonder how it has come to this? Too many things in my head that I can't distill one from another and my true feelings, whatever they might be, lie hidden somewhere, well, if they are really the true ones, that is.

I don't know which version of my conjectures I should subscribe to.

What worsens the situation even more is that I've been thinking about this girl Emma of Queen Victoria Market whom I've never met, but just couldn't stop my thoughts from drifting towards her. It's ridiculous, I don't know what I want. This moment I'm still here and the next I'm already there, it's changing so fast that I don't know if I should dance with it.

Maybe I should just go away.

Jailbird

I do wonder why I always fall for impossible girls? Just when I was rejoicing over my grand victory over the last suffering and emerged from the ashes I set my foot on quicksilver and trapped in the swamp, again.

Sometimes when I think about it I couldn't help wondering whether it's just being a joke after all. They tried to cheer me up, and well sometimes I do reply with a pretty upbeat tone, but I guess I'm already numbed, it's like I'm being a big old hotel frequented by Frustrations and Frustrations and in the end I was assimilated, resistence is futile. I'm getting used to it, knowing it even before knowing them. It's inevitable. Never give up hope, yeah that's what they say, but they've forgotten something important, that I am me.

I'm always worrying about me losing my sanity to a local girl because then I would be stuck here my whole life because I'm not a man with great convictions, I'm easily distracted and would abandon my dreams and plans just to follow her, just to be with her, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to touch her, to live that infinite moment in the finite. I don't want to be stuck here, I want to see the world with my very eyes with my own power, I need to, I can't be stuck here, I'll die with grieve, I have to go. But I failed in keeping my promise and I felt joy and sorrow and I surrendered and she told me that she already had a boyfriend and I was freed, but I don't know how I feel about that.

Keep on Spinning That Wheel

The end
starts with
the beginning.

Less-developed Country

It's not that I hate them or dislike them, just that I feel a profound pity for them. The thing is there are too much misleading informations out there, they're everywhere, in the songs, in the movies, slogans, everywhere. And people take them as unfailing truth while regarding the real thing as cliché and precisely beacuase they're cliché, they are worthless crap.

For example, the other day I was talking with a friend of mine over the MSN and I said that love is the cure (by love I don't mean romantic love between couples) and my friend said, like that “love conquers all” thing? (now don't get mad Hahn if you're reading this, I know you are. It's not directed towards you) I can't say for sure what her attitude would be like when she uttered those quoted words, but I could guess from the letters shown on the screen that my remark was being held in contempt at the beginning.

I remember that a couple of months ago I said something like that the most important thing in one's life is not to be just happy but to know oneself and the meaning of life. I still think it's true, or most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worthy if one's not happy in the end (or the entire life) and dying with a blind rancour against the whole fucking world. That's nothing, no lucidity nor happiness. Just nothing.

When I meet people and discover that they're “ill-informed”, I sometimes don't know what to do or say because I do feel the urge to make them think yet I don't want to preach to anyone and screw up their mood and make myself look like a bore. So I just ended up saying nothing, sometimes I just smiled and walked out of the scene. I figured, if I force them to listen to me then wouldn't it make me the very same people that demand me to believe and behave like them? By being my truth doesn't make it the absolute truth. Some might say that I'm becoming more and more apathetic.

She likes to go to discos, but I think it's just a fucking waste of time. I don't see what's the good of banging your ears with that loud and lousy music and all that shit. Perhaps it's a way of forgetting one's problems in life, a way of paralyzing the soul, losing oneself in the adrenaline rush, thinking that it would have been better to have felt nothing at all, even if they don't realize that. It could be addictive because when one's in it one does not feel the pain but the excitement and the heat. And little by little it becomes “the way to go”, the “how it should be”. I don't dare to say this to her, but I do hope that she would realize that someday.

Can't preach to anyone therefore I can only vent in my blog of my narcissism. So I feel a profound pity for them, and for myself.

Mass, Critical

Oh yeah. I think it's about time that I need to seriously think it over and actually do something. Let's face the facts, I'm but a head and limbs attached to a laminate. Yeah I know what I always said, that muscular guys have no brains and Shakespeare never had to put up with this shit. This is how I defended myself, that they're nothing but puppets, they might be physically powerful, but they have no real strength that truely matters, and I, though skinny I am, have the real thing and I should be proud of that. That was how I always defended myself and it had been effective for years (23 as a matter of fact), but recently this theorization manifests itself in real material form! And I suspect that it get its inspiration from my physical shape... The thing is the body that I'm possessing is so thin that I can just get into a room without even bothering to open the door! Well, on a second thought, that might be an advantage though, hmmm...

So a scale 100 earthquake never before seen in history tore down the foundation of my ease of mind and I was forced to reexamine the whole theory again. Soon I realized that probably Shakespeare was a real robust fella so he never had to put up with this shit.

I know why I don't like the beaches or swimming or any activities that requires one to remove the clothing, I know why I don't like showing up in the photos, I know how the colonel Aureliano Buendía felt when he was in front of his colossal brother José Arcadio: inferior. This sense is so powerful that it changes one's behaviours without one realizing it. Its effects on one's life is grave, without that sense of confidence one would feel inferior no matter where he goes, unless you're Shakespeare, of course, but you're not. It transcends beyond the mere physical and descends in the psychological realm. One has no confidence in oneself whether in a group or alone, but the shame is surely bigger when a place is peopled because in comparison he's a disgrace. That could be one of the reasons why one would prefer to be alone and soothes oneself with the thought that Shakespeare never had to put up with this shit while clicking away his time in front of the computer. It's a bloody vicious circle that goes nowhere.

It goes nowhere and I ain't want it. Last night Jackie told me that I was way too skinny and I finally recognized that fact that I knew all along and decided that something had to change. Oh, Jackie! Too bad that you're too far away. So what I am going to do is simple, first, eat a lot, protein (like chicken/turkey breasts, eggs, lean beef, fish, to name a few) is the most important thing in building up muscles, and second, work out 3 times a week, don't wanna get myself killed for over-exercising. Let's see if you can see me one day with a big smile those sunny wankers wear on the beach picking up chicks in my pictures.

Nightmare Before Christmas

How could a day be so long? An afternoon, an hour, even just a minute seems to extends to the far end of the horizon and beyond the reach of the eyes. Rehearsing the whole repertoire in the head over and over again, the gift on the table waiting for the upcoming event.

Can't put his mind into the books that he was supposed to read, opted for the internet, searching without any hope but with a goal. Like he had knew it all along and yet unexpectedly the man came upon what he was looking for. She. Like an archeologist who bumps into the long buried civilization, he clicks and clicks fervently one after another, yet the mighty green-eyed monster breached the high wall of the castle and reigned supreme. He looked at them in the pictures and a fit of seizure striked him. He sat there, hunched, looking at the photos, what he had lost, he felt as if someone had burst into the room and pointed a gun at his head, and fired, yet he didn't have the energy to fight back.

Time passed and he grew more impatient, he had the informations he needed, and now it was only the matter of when left to be decided. He then thought of her and with that thought the pumping of blood quickened by an disproportioned rate.

So he pulled himself together and executed the phonecall and with the fast sinking of the heart he was made aware that the hard-earned piece of information rendered no effect at all. He was transported back to the beginning, surveiling, theorizing, rehearsing and suspiring.

One Ring to Piss Them off

Recently I find myself appreciating more and more the art and fun of cooking, reading and hunting down recipes from around the world. During my ongoing quest for the invaluable and exotic concoctions I came upon one so simple and explosive that with all the love of my soul I am sure that it would appease to the appetites of all.

The precious formula was sent to me via the cellphone by some parties that addressed themselves by the term "friends"- to protect their privacy it's of utmost urgeny not to disclose their true identities, also to avoid possible future problems, but we could very well call them D and A- and I found it truely well designed and highly effective. About its royal pedigree I have not the slightest doubt in my mind and I am fully convinced that apart from being regal, it must sprang up from a master's ingenious encephalon. Now, with a humble heart, I present it to you,

1. Turn on your cellphone (if it's already on then proceed to Number 2).

2. Select one contact from your phonebook.

3. Dial that number and listen with your full attention (to ensure the successfulness of the procedure, turn off the music, crouch down in a corner and firmly press the cell against your ear with all your might).

4. At the first blast of the ring, hang up immediately.

5. Let it cool down for 15 to 20 seconds.

6. Repeat the stated instructions (Number 2 to 5) a couple of times.

Enjoy!

Oh, one more thing, since its origin is already impossible to trace please have no fear in distributing this majestic masterpiece for the well-being and happiness of all mankind.

Upwardly yours,

Bob Thingummy

Plain Pleasure

In the midst of yet another cycle of "state of nothingness", it's not sad nor joyous, but plain nothing. Don't feel anything, don't have the energy, to do anything. It's the kind of mood that makes one feels like he is decaying, deteriorating little by little, undermined by the invisible termite.

It's been like this for days already.

Left the library quite early tonight, read for a while back in my room, but didn't really have the will to continue, watched the TV for a while then it suddenly came to me that the schinken Juan gave me was still in the fridge and will expire on the 23rd of this month. So reluctantly I cut the package open and mowed that chunk of meat down to slices. Then something incredible happened- that I thoroughly enjoyed the process of dissecting it. It took me quite a while and during the whole time I was absorbed in the delicate work and the taking care of the leftovers (into my mouth, of course).

Now the work is done, with slices of ham in one hand and beer the other plus the pictures from Salamanca, boy, what a weird combination is it! But I surely feel something now.

Questo, questo... questo è storia?

I was in the uni library reading my book and came upon this phrase "Dora was filled with admiration for her strongminded capable brother who had even engaged beforehand two cheap single rooms for the night"

Then I thought of Althea and the hotel that we stayed in Madrid. That night the city's streets seemed particularly warm and colourful than anywhere else. It was then that I felt that it was possible to live happily in such a big city, regardless of Reina Sofia being closed.

She guessed and suggested that it was from another lifetime.

Reverie Collides

It's curious when you know, or at least you think so, from the meticulous, well hidden, careful observation of her every action and expression plus years of experience traded by unanswered passion, that you're without hope and yet you don't have the urge to put a bullet through the brain or, less destructively, to send the door flying down that corridor with the sole of your shoe powered by the great roar emitting from deep down the guts. But you do are dying to scream down the street on your motorcycle jumping up and down because of flying past every undulations on the road or to get drunk or something, something that you normally don’t do.

Is it a kind of relief? Knowing that you can be spared the pain of this bloody farce of guessing and not-eating-nor-doing-anything once more so that your life can get back on to the right track, the good old times? Or is it that you're too disappointed that your mind respond the other way around as a defense mechanism so that your folks won't be seen on TV lying on the floor and you that will not bring disgrace to the family that has been so decent and respectable and all that? Jeez, now why the fuck my msn messenger's keep disconnecting! Can't you just give me some fucking peace of mind!! Anyway, like I was saying, it's curious. While at the same time you're still devicing ways and means of getting you two closer, still think that there will be some arrow shooting out from nowhere and then she will see you.

You've been thinking about pulling her to the side and tell her right in the face, to ruin everything in exchange for that short moment of thrill and the inevitable sorrow that will follow. And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor/Shall be lifted-nevermore! However, you just can't do it because everytime you're sitting next to her (well, not right next, but in the same place) you feel good, you can feel the smile on your face, the damn twitch of muscle that is impossible to suppress, the good mood that was nowhere to be found and her voice, a look of the eyes and every movement enchants you and the last thing you want her to go through is sadness. So you renounce your prior thoughts and bear it upon yourself.